in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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