Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
