I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
