I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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