I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
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