The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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