I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
