The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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