My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Holy sore nipples Batman
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
