Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
