he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
