i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
