I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
