Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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