There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
