I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize