alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
