i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
