My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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