Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
