It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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