mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
