from now on my penis is your penis
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
