The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
