She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
