So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
