It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
