my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
