Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
