Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
