Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
