Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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