Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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