She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So. Much. Porn.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
