he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
