you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
