I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i dont even know how to be here
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
