Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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