I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
