I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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