Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Small penises have feelings too.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
