You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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