No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
