remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
They took my balls.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
