I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
