Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
