dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
