I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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