he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
