fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Too much gin, very little bucket
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
