Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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