If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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