when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
