im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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