On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
