why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
