if you like me you must not know who I am
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
two words: eviction party
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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