If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
